Writing intimate scenes, whether they involve a first kiss or sex, should be natural and progress with both the character’s nature and the overall storyline. These types of scenes should impact the characters in some way. If it doesn’t change anything, it either needs to be rewritten, moved, or gotten rid of entirely.
The intensity of intimate scenes should not detract from the storyline. Take care to lead the reader into the scene with a building intensity, then guide them back down to the main focus of the storyline. If readers only care about the intimate scenes and skim the bulk of the story, either the story is too weak or the intimate scenes are too overpowering.
When describing what takes place during intimate scenes, especially in sex scenes, sometimes less is more and it’s best to let the reader fill in the details. That doesn’t mean you should skimp on the details, particularly sensory details, but give the reader room to craft an intimate scene to their own preferences by not being overly descriptive of every second.
Many writers find it challenge to find new ways or words to use when writing intimate scenes. It is key that these scenes not feel like they were copied and pasted from an earlier scene. Ways to accomplish this is often more about the details surrounding the scene than the actual act. Choose different settings so the description and sensory information is more varied. Change how a couple progresses toward an intimate scene. A kiss or sex after a romantic dinner is going to be much different than right after a soul-bearing admission or a fight. This gives new opportunities for internal dialogue and emotion.
When it comes to word choice, don’t be afraid to use standard terminology. Getting too creative with euphemisms can be distracting for readers. Instead, focus on motions and actions involved, and the characters’ responses. Describing where an arm or leg is isn’t what gets most readers attention. The response to where that kiss or finger is placed is what readers pay attention to and want more of. The reader wants to feel what the characters feel much more than they want a diagram of what went where.
Incorporate agency into these scenes to avoid objectifying either sex or treating characters as passive bystanders. In most cases, both characters should be responding to the other’s needs and actions rather than expressing themselves “at” the other person. There should be a give and take in both physical action and mental/emotional responses.
Structure an intimate scene just a you would any other story or scene: foreplay, action, climax, wind down. Whether the characters move through this arc quickly or slowly depends on the circumstances. Regardless, it’s important to hit all points of the arc. Lead into the moment as slowly as is fitting to buildup the reader’s anticipation. Begin the action and capture the characters’ thoughts and reactions to each action. Hit the climax on multiple levels, not just physical. Slowly bring the reader back to the storyline as the scenes concludes with a hint or lead-in to what’s coming next or the repercussions of what just happened.
Keep the focus of intimate scenes on what they mean to the characters and how it impacts them more so than just description of what went where.